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Last night I had many friends over and the poor saudis were in for quite a q&a. Sex this, women that. Whew, thank goodness they were patient. We learned a LOT!

There were some things confirmed. There are still some men, especially from conservative parts of the country, that think a woman is thought of as, quote, “a bitch” (translation:whore) if she wears something considered revealing or if she hangs out with men, or if she touches their arm or anything like that. I had heard one story from a friend that was being frank, and it was frightening to me. I feared that this was an open invitation to rape. Now I think it is not quite so bad. As anywhere, a negative person may make that leap. Any good person will know that it is wrong, even if there are still major cultural misunderstandings that they are still ignorant about. whew-that’s good news, on the fear end anyway.

Three of us American girls grilled one (very patient) saudi guy until 5 am. He still unfortunately does not understand that women are lacking freedoms that the men have the right to. He was explaining the respect men have for women, although it is, in my opinion, focusing on, and controlling the wrong factor involved. Women are “protected”. He thinks because women are not protected in the U.S. that it explains a higher incidence of rape. This is unverified theory that is passed around because I’ve heard it from others before. We ladies suggested that women may feel more empowered to report it here; after all, noone’s tribal “honor” is at stake here. We of course also tried to explain what freedoms women lacked and that protecting women was a noble gesture, however, it is the criminals perpetrating the behaviors and crimes that should be controlled, not the women.

Other saudi guys I talked to said that it was important in their religion and culture that both women AND men be virgins when they get married. They agreed that there is hypocrisy and double standards, such as men having the freedom to break those rules in the U.S. while women absolutely cannot, but that they didn’t feel they were that type. One guy said, “Honestly, a man will not marry a woman who is not a virgin, even if it is not right. She is considered a “bitch”.’ They want American girlfriends, but with the main idea of improving their English (lol that is the urban legend I keep hearing anyway). I am sure they are also keen on the idea of romance, but these guys at least did not seem to have ulterior motives in mind, and believe me, I asked the questions directly (respectfully, but also directly).

Which brings us to the topic of chivalry. I have been treated so well by so many of these guys. We all agree that they are indeed chivalrous, AND the American men need to learn from this. It almost always about sex here. Men generally have no respect for women, and often don’t even feign to do so. We walked away from the conversation feeling that we had said what we could about women lacking freedoms, but mainly we walked away feeling a little pissed about American men. I thought my standards were already too high; now I realize American men have just set the bar low.

We tried to explain that buying expensive things later obligates a women to relinquish her voice and choices, which happens in American culture too, although to a less extreme extent. My friends and I agreed that what American men need to learn is generosity, not just giving us things and expecting something in return, but more a generosity of spirit that shows he has a natural ability and desire to give and take. He needs to show generosity on a regular basis to us, to our friends, and family, to his friends and family. It has to be an ongoing action of his, rather than some demonstrative showcasing that implicates reciprocation of the “sumthin sumthin” sort. (disclaimer: to those American men, whom we have rarely met, that fortunately defy these unfortunate commonalities)

One student, who is so grounded and I admire for it, also had something important to add. We ask them questions they don’t have the language to answer. Then we mis-take their explanations. This is a vital thing for us, especially as second language teachers, to take into account.

I could never manage to type enough about what we all discussed last night and what we learned from it, but these are some of the main points that stuck in my mind.

And so what was my point? Oh yes, I- HATE- SAUERKRAUT!!!

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